HOW TO BUY A HOUSE

So you want one of your main set pieces to be your romantically involved couple searching for their first home. But as you start to write, you realize that even HGTV sometimes struggles to make that interesting, and it’s ALL they do. So how do you make Dick and Jane discussing countertops and wall color interesting?

Actually, mundane activities are some of the most exciting to write about, because they offer such a blank slate for crazy shit to happen. Take this for example.

INT. EMPTY HOUSE, KITCHEN – DAY

Dick and Jane browse around an open house, led by their smug, fast-talking realtor, CARSON.

JANE
The kitchen seems nice. Spacious. Although,
I don’t cook that much, soooo…

CARSON
(to Dick)
You’re gonna marry a bitch that can’t cook?

Carson sends furious text messages on his phone.

JANE
Excuse me?!

DICK
Uh, we just really like to eat out.

CARSON
Just joshing you. Of course I’m sure you’re
a wonderful cook. Marvelous. Let’s take a
look at the master bedroom.


INT. EMPTY HOUSE, BEDROOM – DAY

Dick and Jane stand in the bedroom. Carson talks on his phone.

CARSON
Yeah. Yeah, I’m trying to make a sale to these
two total losers. Kidding, you guys! You’re the
greatest. Yeah. Yeah. Gotta go. Scratch ya later!

JANE
Scratch…what the…

DICK
Uh…is there a closet?

CARSON
Why, do you need to come out of it?

Carson laughs hysterically.

CARSON
Joshing, joshing.
(to Jane)
Seriously though, I bet this one’s a real dud in the sack, eh? Eh? You want a real man
take my card!

Jane stares agape at Carson. Dick blushes.

DICK
My name is slang for male genitalia. I
think I have –

CARSON
Right, right, right. Hey, great hardwood floors
in here, if you catch my drift. Eh, eh?

He laughs again. Dick and Jane exchange disturbed glances.

There you go. An egomaniacal, inappropriate real estate agent gives Dick and Jane’s house hunt an original, comic twist. You can do the same with everything from shoe shopping to a haircut to getting an oil change. Don’t be intimidated by writing something that seems like it might bore your audience. Just make sure it doesn’t bore you, and you’re safe.